I find retirement to be a complex bag of bad and good. I am writing this to help me sort things out, and in hopes to entertain or inform those who read it. There are several factors which have complicated the matter of finding complete happiness in my new reality. I've wanted to retire for many years, but not to stop working. Just yesterday, a friend had posted an article about the problem of older white males being the one demographic in the US population who are dying at a rate faster than any other. Essentially, they are feeling the most despair, and are dying from ill-health, suicides, overdoses of heroin, etc. Not an article that cheered me very much because I am right in the middle of that demographic, and I have been feeling some measure of despair this past year among the many bright spots too.The past year has had some very big highlights. The marriage of my son to his bride was so much fun and a perfect celebration put on by the bride's wonderful parents. The Philippines has called me the Tropical islands twice this year. It is such a beautiful place with such wonderful, and generous people. I think they will soon be the next Asian economic success story as the politics of the Philippines becomes more focused on good governance. I enjoyed a leisurely drive to visit family in Tennessee. Taking an adventure with my daughter to Montana for a month in the summer was another highlight. Although my goal of moving to Montana could not be realized, it was great fun to go there and live with my brother for a month. We also had a nice little trip to Southern Vermont to visit a dear old friend. Perhaps the best over all, has been the amount of time I have been able to spend with family and friends, and taking my time about it.
The most negative impact of early retirement has been in the manifestation of anxiety and panic attacks. There is nothing more dreadful in life than a mind that is quite capable of giving you a sense of dread and foreboding for, seemingly, no particular reason. The problem of panic and anxiety is a wonderful mix of genetics and circumstance with which too many Americans face in all aspects of their lives. Panic attacks and anxiety really have no particular solution in the world of pharmacology, and in the world of psychology a root cause may be found to help diminish the impact of one's ailment, but the time and money commitment required are more a luxury than most people can afford. It comes down to being able to "own" the negative emotion and learn techniques and confidence to minimize, control and re-channel the energy if you can. The best ideas on managing my particular brand of attacks came from other people who've had similar issues and shared them on YouTube. My physician has been very helpful in giving me the Hydroxozine and Alprazolam (addictive if you are not careful) I can use if the attacks become unbearable. I do not have to use them too often, but it is nice to know I have it if needed.
A cousin of mine, more than once over the years, has warned me not to retire before I had some other work lined up. Unfortunately, my fellow American citizens in the state of Alaska voted my boss out of office (American voters can do the strangest things), and there was no work for me to turn to. I considered myself quite fortunate to have the option to take retirement. It was not easy, but I did manage to reorganize our finances so that I could retire and not worry about any of the bills being missed. My pension gives me the very slightest of a margin in the black, but at least I will not have to borrow money for regular expenses. I had put together a tidy sum to get me through my son's wedding expenses July of 2015, and by then I had hoped to find new employment. Adjusting to a Spartan life has not been easy at all, and I am still unemployed.
The closer you are to the political leaders of our system the less likely you are to be able to count job security in the Federal Government. Most, if not all, personal office staffers do eventually find work after the rug is pulled out from under them, and yet it is a jarring experience to loose an election and job at the same time, even if you know your job is very insecure going in. In the 28 years I had worked on Capitol Hill, I came to know a particular truism about the dangers of working in Senate Offices, but it was not something you can prepare for. Once a staffer leaves, they are almost immediately desperate to come back. It is very exciting to be at the nexus of national politics and the bright ambitious people around you make it a fun place to work. Very addictive indeed, however the stress is not always so good for you mental and familial well-being. I have been going through withdrawal for a year. I think I am finally at a point where the allure is no longer there. There were two offices I had considered, but fortunately for me, neither one wanted me for some valid reason or another.
There is a moral hazard to being financially set, as I am, when it comes to looking for work. My fear is that it has made me increasingly lazy about the pursuit, and I can be more picky about what I am willing to do. Another problem comes in the fact that I have I already had a career, and it is glaringly apparent by any hiring manager who looks at my resume (older workers are less attractive for most open positions). I could go to work at a low skill position like stocking shelves at a box store, or could look for a job similar to the one I lost. Or, although this sort of patronage has become more scarce in the Federal Government, I could get some politically-connected job that really does not do anything but make-work.
I really do not have desire to pursue the same job I just left. It was very rewarding and I loved trying to maximize our budget and help make my colleagues lives better. And yet, it was very stressful to be in a system where we were trying to run a $6million operation on a $3million budget. With all of the strong personalities and competing agendas there was bound to be conflict, even in a team that was as dedicated and focused as ours was. We had a great boss who was extremely loyal to Alaska and his staff, and loyalty is a two way street.
So, I have been pursuing information technology certifications. I love solving problems and helping people get their systems functioning as they need. Most of my career was in the realm of the technical, so why not go back into that? I have taken 4 exams so far, and missed the last one by just a percentage point, and that was a big blow to my confidence, so now I am studying for a retake. But really, I don't know if I will eventually get back into technical support. I have sent my resume to lots and lots of organizations, but little response, or they insist on some level of clearance I do not have.
I've also thought of teaching, but going back to school has held me back. I am no academic and the prospect of trudging through a year of Teacher Certification courses and examinations has deterred me. There is the possibility of going the route of substitute teaching, but I am not sure yet how committed I would be to an off and on job.
My real passion would be in helping an NGO bring energy to the homes of under-served third world people, to help some local communities the appreciate the value of the rule of law and good governance practices, help a village understand and commit to maintaining good public infrastructure like sewage systems. Yesterday I was chatting to a friend in the Philippines who is a University staffer about what Mindanao needs and can use, and that gets me very excited, but the opportunities are slim. I have never been very skilled and leveraging my connections for jobs either. It is a true skill in the world of politics, but one I was never very good at.
So, after a year away from my exciting Senate career, this is where I sit. I am a very lucky guy who has worked very hard and with patience to make sure there was a good stable middle class existence for my family and myself. I think I can say I have met with success, but I do not feel like I am done contributing to society. I am very fortunate to have family and friends, people I love, I can turn to for advice and assurance. My physician, assures me that this a time for me to reinvent myself, like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon. I guess I am still in the cocoon, and I am looking forward to emerging. I am hopeful, even as my worried self goes into bouts of panic and anxiety.
